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Saturday, March 10, 2007

The morning I cried to work

I was dressing up to work when he crept up behind me, clutching his 'poo-bee' (nickname for his bantal busuk).

"Ibu nak pergi kerja ke?", he asked. Mata kuyu, terkebil-kebil trying to avoid the lights.

"Ya sayang. Paginya Hafiz dah bangun?" I answered and asked and knelt down and hugged and kissed him.

"Bila ibu cuti?". He kissed me back.

"Cuti? Kenapa?", while running my fingers through his hair.

Still clutching tightly his poo-bee, he laid his head on my shoulder.
"Hafiz nak ibu".

"Oh, ok... esok dah Friday, then dah Saturday. Kita boleh pegi jalan2 sama dgn Ayah sekali, dgn Abang Idin & Ameer ok."

"OK. Tapi Hafiz nak ibu".

"Ya lah, ni ibu ada ni".

"Hmm... Hafiz nak ibu. Nak tengok TV dengan ibu".

"Oh.. Nanti ibu balik kerja, kita tengok TV sama-sama eh?"

"Hmmm... tapi ibu balik nanti, Hafiz dah tidur. Hafiz nak ibu".

I was lost for words. I felt the lump in my throat. I hugged him tightly.

Ibu bisik kat telinga dia, "Sorry Hafiz. Ibu banyak kerja kat ofis. Nanti kita tengok TV sama-sama ok?"

I looked at my watch. 6.45 am. Running out of time and had to hit the road.

I had a quick breakfast with Hafiz that morning. In front of the kitchen TV. Just a sip or two of my usual Tesco Coffee and a bite or two of Bibi's french toast. Hafiz minum susu - dalam botol.

"OK Hafiz, Ibu kena pergi kerja la. Nanti lepas mandi, Hafiz pegi sekolah tau?"

"OK. Nanti Hafiz lukis gambar untuk ibu".

"That's my boy! " I kissed him again, both left & right cheeks. Hafiz reached out for my hand, salam & cium tangan ibu.

And off I went to work.

That morning I drove to work with tears.
Lots and lots of tears.


simah said...

*hugs* alahai ibu... jangan la nangis.....budak budak biasa la.. kekadang memang mcm tu... :0)

Ibu said...

huhu... *hugs* balik. truth is, i was so busy & working until late nights recently...

Abang Idin said...

POO-BEE!!! Ahah..Hafiz, hafiz! Suka sangat kat oo-bee tu. Pi basuh la bantal tu woi.

~ GAB ~ said...

I like this entry.

Once in a while we'd entertain the kind of feeling. I know IBU knows it too well it's just Hafiz and his uncalled for demand to stay but I sincerely believe, it reflects the love that you have given to him. And he is expressing it out. That's the positive way to look at instead of regretting for less time devoted to him.

Enjoy the motherly feeling in you IBU.

Ayah said...

Well, it's always hard to leave them when they are in that mode... we tend to really really feel for them, sweet innocent kid, who haven't got the slightest worry in the world...

how glad I am that Baby faim is now a late riser... kul 9 baru bangun!

shana said...

Ibu...Please don't make me cry!!! Ooops...too late! Already did...

Sigh...if only our kids know how much we want to be with them, rather than being with those people at work. But, sacrifices have to be made, at least for that our kids lead a "happy" life, the only way they know it...Loads of toys and games, everything electronics under the sun, big budget holidays (also) under the sun and every where else, grand parties...

Maybe, when their understanding of "happiness" change - we can accommodate that, too...and insya Allah can be with them 24/7...

You take care, Ibu...and please make sure you don't drive while crying - life hazard tu...

Ibu said...

You're spot on when u said about entertaining that feeling "once in a while". I hardly ever cry (tak caya tanya "shana"). What touched me that time was the simple innocent request - not toys, not HongKong disneyland, not PS2, not HotWheels, but simply some quality time with Ibu - watching TV at home.

Tak lama lagi when he starts to have a mind of his own... siap lah you!! But i bet you're well prepared by now.

You knowing how "easily" I can cry, so I suppose you can guess how terrible I felt that time. Isn't it ironic? So near yet so far? Sob!sob! well.. thanks for your understanding.

p/s I don't drive while crying, I only cry while driving. Uhh??

ninuk said...

awalnya pergi kerja ! 645 already hit the road. by 645 i only manage to get all the WANS (little and not so little) to sit at the breakfast table. sekarang kan cuti sekolah, go take leave yea ! tioman eeek

Helena said...

sedihnya n3 ni.... inilah dilema working mothers.

D said...

been there! done that! hurts so much, eh? that's why I am who I am - an educator with flexi hours. YeeeeeeHAAAAA!

Ibu said...

dah cuti, dah balik da... gi zoo jerk! syiok ...

hi! thanks for visiting. yes, dilema ibu2 bekerja :(

oh D! how i envy u.

FloweRinTheDesert said...

ibu, this entry touched a chord in me. I know exactly how u feel. I work from home, but there are occassions when I'd hvta leave the hse for work, and somehow it's harder. Maybe cos the girls are so used to having me around, that they get clingy? Whatever it is, no matter, as a mother, it's always hard to leave them behind when they cling to you eyes welling with tears, and saying things like "I want Mommy" with trembling lips - unbearable & heartwrenching indeed!

Just another mom said...

I have learnt NOT to feel guilty.There are ways to stay in calls in between work, etc.I think kids of the new millenium must learn to be independent and understand that parents need time to work too.But I think even if he's asleep when you get home, you can still hug him and talk to him, saying how much you love him.He will hear that and he will grow on those loving voices just as he would when awake.So cheer up, moms! We cannot have the best of both worlds.It's a decision we have made.Otherwise, quit and stay at home.But never ever go on a guilt trip.It's cancerous.

Anonymous said...

hmmmmm ... apa nak di kato? for some people MONEY is more important. oh yes, they find dozens of excuses to justify their working. BUT the truth of the matter is that anak-anak adalah amanah Allah kepada kita. Ayah sebagai ketua keluarga wajib cari nafkah untuk sara keluarga. ibu? Sepatutnya, the most important thing is to jaga dan belai amanah Allah sebaik-baiknya. That's what's most important. No excuse in this world is valid. Kepandaian seorang ibu ada degree, master or whatever .... adalah lebih baik diapliaksikan sebagai seoarng IBU. Think you need the money? Well, money won't ever be enough. Working mothers compensate materialistically anwyays so that's one mistake as it is. Fikirkanlah, masa anak-anak yang berlalu tidak akan kembali lagi. And they only need us for a few years, that's all. Nak tanya sikit. Kalau stranger nak pinjam kereta boleh tak? Mesti tak bagi kan? Tapi anak-anak tinggal dengan stranger bibik nobody thinks twice about this. Poor kids of today. God beri peluang and otak pandai, tapi sebagai balasan, amanah Allah diabakan.