In Hollywood last night, Lil was voted out of American Idol Season 8. That was the end of Lil.
In Rawang though, or rather in the comfy sack inside my tummy, my very own lil' one is progressing well, Alhamdulillah. Thank you for all the well wishes, I'm touched and grateful for the doas extended.
Went for my follow up check up at APSH yesterday on my own, joined by Ayah there. I came clean with Dr Ashar that I couldn't stand being house arrested, hence I started work 2 weeks earlier (than the 4 weeks medical leave given!). He smiled and calmly replied, "It's quite hard to stay put when you are so used to being active at work, isn't it?" Hehehe... Ayah just smiled and added, "there's another update". And so I also had to come clean with Dr Ashar re the slip & fall too. I told him I rest for a few days after the fall but started work again early this week. Since there was no bleeding or major abdominal pain, he seemed fully forgiving. After all, I fell while doing my normal morning routine for Subuh prayer, so he really couldn't scold me, even if he wanted to. Hehehe.....
So first things first, let me come clean altogether. I am 40 and I have 3 boys. And yeah, I am expecting. About 16 weeks now.
Sometimes at dinner table, I wring my hands at the skies and wonder how I came to be the hub of this noisy, chaotic house. Some days as evening falls, I just have to get away to take a break from the responsibility, from the cacophony, and labor, and pretend to have fallen fast asleep under the duvet where no one can no longer expect one iota of energy from me.
I repeat, I am 40, I have 3 boys, and am 16 weeks pregnant now. I have quite a demanding job in a multi national chain of "kedai runcit".
Some of my colleagues said either I am very courageous, or I am out of my mind!
Either way, it's still a mission, shared by Ayah & Ibu.
I already have 3 boys - that I've said. All from the same Ayah (chuckle!!! though one of my buddies thought Ameer looked like my former 'boyfriend'...ceh!!! tak patut betul!! he didn't even fall into my definition of 'boyfriend' in the first place, okay? And for goodness sake, anak ke tiga muka cam ex-boyfriend, apa hal? HAHAHA....)
So is this my 4th pregnancy then?
No. It's not. I've had a few miscarriages in the past. At least 2 in between Abang Idin & Hafiz, including one at 4.5 months; it was a girl :(.
And then another 2 miscarriages after Ameer - both within the last 12-15 months. I blogged about one of it (the first one) but kept silent on the 2nd unfortunate incident. I felt it was too private & personal to share then. I don't mind sharing now, the 2nd miscarriage was actually a twin (we have 'twins genes' in both Ayah's & Ibu's side, so not a major surprise).
So put up your fingers now and count. Kalau 'tak', I would have 8 children! WOW !!!! Meriahnya!!
We've mutually agreed on having 4. Ayah actually wanted more. Not realistic at all from my perspective. So 4 is a compromised number. We would have exceeded set expectation with the twins, but no...it was not meant to be, for only Allah knows why. If Allah grants us more after this, we'll still accept it as part of the rezqi bestowed upon us.
For what have happened, I can only thank Allah for still giving me the opportunities to conceive & carry them even just a quarter way. I know some close friends who still have not successfully conceived despite assisted with medical advances & technology interventions.
In my case, as proven thus far, I could conceive. For all my pregnancies thus far, I did not experience the so-called "morning sickness". However, I suffered from a condition called "incompetent cervix" (I've linked the term to a relevant site to save your time from googling). This was first detected, unfortunately, a bit too late, upon my 1st known miscarriage at abt 4.5 mths. I was told then that I had (still have!) a reverse shaped uterus, hence the incompetent cervix. Since then, I was advised that in order to sustain my future pregnancies, I might have to go through this procedure called cervical serclage, which is simply translated as sewing up the cervix with stitches, to be removed later closer to delivery date. So in the case of Hafiz & Ameer, 'their' pregnancies were assisted with serclages, both done by Dr Jem.
Why the other two-three miscarriages, you may ask? The challenge with serclage is that it is advisable to be done only after 12 weeks - just in case there are problems arising during this period, the pregnancy can be abandoned or the threatened abortions can happen naturally.
That was the case with me with the other miscarriages, including the twins. All at about 8 weeks, I started spotting & bleeding, hence tak sempat nak buat serclage pun.
I don't want to dwell about the costs, but suffice to say, that the treatment for the miscarriages (the D&C) and the prevention of it (the serclage) each cost almost the same if not slightly more than the cost of normal delivery.
Do I sound like I'm regretting it?
Not at all. Sometimes terkilan, undoubtedly - you know, the longing to hold & cuddle the lil ones..... But all the times eventually, I was and am rest assured that Allah knows best. Never mind the frustration, the emotions, the medical leaves, the costs and all; the unseen benefit obviously, as many have told, outweighs the sufferings.... the lil ones would wait & help me while crossing siratalmustakim (InsyaAllah!).
So far, I have no problem explaining my pregnancy to my 3 boys. In fact they have all long thought that I was pregnant (obviously because of the kebuncitan of my middle earth!!!). We appreciate each others companies most of the time. All 5 of us. We talk, shout, laugh, giggle & whisper as we wish. We celebrate birthdays. We hide each others favourite pillows. We make monkey faces to each other. We rub or scratch each others backs at bedtime. We fight over who gets the next McD Happy Meal toy. We challenge who will first finish the chore or homework. Sometimes, we munch snacks or dinner in front of the TV - much to the chagrin of Bibi. We are our own life simple pleasures. And I reckon, welcoming another extension to our family, the new lil one, won't be an issue with any one of us at all.
Now that I'm approaching the end of my 1st trimester with the current lil one, and that the serclarge had been successfully done - this time by Dr Ashar (the reason why I had to stay in hospital not so long ago), I truly hope and I continue to pray everyday that I will have a safe & sound pregnancy this time and the lil one will have a healthy development & growth within me. And I will continue to pray that Allah will bestow the lil one with taqwa & iman, to be successful both di dunia & akhirat.
For someone whose work amongst others include upholding personal privacy & confidentiality, it feels weird initially writing away on this subject which I consider quite personal & private. But while writing it away I may, the writing sure still sound more like relating of random facts rather than sharing of feelings.
But I guess that's me. More of a rational thinker than a feeler.
And the more I think about it, the more I eventually come to accept the rationale for this sharing - isn't it what this blog is for? In case I suffer memory lapse or senility in my much older days in the future, at least this story will prevail - as part of my Cerita Ibu, untuk anak2 ibu yg tersayang.
Spare a prayer that this mission of Ayah & Ibu will be one mission made possible this time around.