music player
I made this music player at

Saturday, December 01, 2007

In search of the missing little one ...

She said she couldn't detect it.

She said it could have disintegrated.

She said it's the body's natural way to either absorb back some disintegrated things to remain in the body or flush out some others.

She said (and we could saw it clearly from the screen) that the gestational sac is still intact, which explains why I am still feeling the common hormonal effects.

She said this is quite common in the first 8 to 12 weeks.

She said causes for most are not known.

She said 1 in 5 ends this way.

So have I become one of the statistics?

She added that I should go for the procedure soon. As soon as today.

She noticed how Ayah & Ibu fell silent and instinctively knew we were not immediately agreeable.

She said perhaps we should seek second opinion if we are not sure with her explanation.

Perhaps we should.

Ayah led me out of the clinic in silence.

Perhaps Ayah knew Ibu too well not to dwell on the emotional side of this kind of things. Rather, rationalise what to do next.

Perhaps Ayah may not be so sure how to handle Ibu if Ibu became too emotional about it right there & then.

As usual I didn't. I remain stone faced. Yes I was rationalising hard in my mind.

Perhaps we should seek second opinion, Ayah suggested. Ibu agreed - third & fourth if we have to.

We went separate ways back to each other's office.

I dived my nose into the contracts piling up in my tray.

I set my mind to enjoy the dinner & croaking session planned for the nite.

Later Ayah sms.

For the first time after I left the clinic, tears welled up in my eyes and finally trickled down my cheek - behind closed door.

We've been praying hard for one that is healthy & well and for the best.

Perhaps this is His answer to our prayer because only He knows what's best for us.

Perhaps the best is yet to come :(


Kak Teh said...

Oh Ibu!!! I am so sorry that it happened. believe me, I know how it feels - undetected, disintegrated - the same words. Take care and dont give up hope.

zaitgha said...

if what i think had happened really happened, i really am sorry...been there and no words can ease the loss feeling...just hang on and be strong...and so true that He know best for us....

take care

Mat Salo said...

Ibu, I don't know what to say, save this, I just feel for you. I wish you and my wife were friends so she could hold your hand, offer words of comfort. I'll share with you something that you will take comfort in (I hope).

When I look at your three boys it reminded two of my own. Here's a little bit my personal history, a bit painful to reveal but now is a good time as any. I married late, past 30. And the first bundle of joy came two years later. He's now 14. Seven came to pass, and after many consultations with esteemed O&G practitioner Datuk Dr. Hamid, the second God's Gift was also a boy. Alhamdullillah, but being normal folks, we thought a girl would be nice too. So we tried and and tried.

Again many years came to pass, when something derailed our plans. About 4 years back God had made sure I was home from Vietnam. It was a Sunday morning (my wife works you see) so it was a nice day to have a late breakfast out with the two boys. McDonalds were on our minds, well.. the boys actually. She spent a rather long time in the toilet and when she came out, she was prone and gasping. She told me the pain in her tummy was intense! I know my wife's ability to withstand pain because the two boys came via vaginal birth...

I was frantic. What? Food poisoning? She was going pale. I told my boys weren't going out -- need to take mama to the clinic.

Instead of the clinic we just rushed to Damansara Specialist. I felt it was serious. At the Emergency admissions I waited nervously. She was in serious pain. The attending physician couldn't make heads or tails, asking questions likem food we had consumed the last 24 hours. But obviously I myself was alright and we ate together.

She was wheeled in another room for further tests. About half-an-hour later the nurse came to me with a grim look. Your wife's pregnant, she said. But something tells me it was not a happy occasion, even after a couple of years of trying. Soon a doctor came and said she needs to be prepped for surgery, NOW!

The short of it was she had an ectopic pregancy and the foetus had burst causing injury and internal bleeding. If untreated, she could have expired, just like that.

So instead of what we initially thought of going to the doctors and coming back either with a jab or some pills turned out to be a full medical emergency!

There was no time for anything and signed some papers here and there to take the fallopian out. I was dazed. I kissed her on the gurney and I never felt so much love and how bereft I would be if I never saw her again. I went home to tell the kids and to bring some of her personal stuff but the boys were only intent on the PS2. What do they know?

So you can be forgiven if we assumed hoping for another child would be out of the question, let alone a girl.

But God works in mysterious ways. 2years later (well, 18 months ago to be exact) Alesha Michelle Feisal came into our life. And what joy and bounty God had in store for us. Im 46, Sis. When Alesha takes her PMR I'll be SIXTY! Dunno whether I'll be around to be her wali or not. That's up to God.

In the meantime I'll count every little blessing. And I apologize for hogging so much space. But I just felt the need to share...

Please get well soon, Insya'Allah Life can still hold pleasant surprises.


P/S I'm on the rig. Wifey just told me the girl climbed out the cot and fell off. No injuries, thank God. But with two boisterous brothers (14,7) above her, I shudder to think of what's gonna happen to my sweet, Daddy's little girl, eh? Ganas..ganas.. :)

Akmal said...

So sorry to hear what happen. Be strong.

sYaNa said...

Dear Ibu,

So sorry to hear what happened. My heart goes out to you. Don't give up & rest well.

Anonymous said...

So sorry to hear that..Don't you worry, Allah has His own plan. Me, myself missed one 'coz I didn't know it's coming. When realizead, it's already dead inside me, no heartbeat. So i had to let it go. Alhamdulillah after a year plus, I felt I got one coming. Get it confirmed and then be careful with my medication 'coz the previous one, I was heavily on flu medication.
Insya'Allah with God will, you'll be rewarded with others...


kc said...

dear ibu;

i'm so sorry to hear yr latest predicament. i know how it feels to lose a foetus although i had never gone thru a proper miscarriage before.

i was about a week overdue and was jumping for joy coz i thought i was pregnant. it was a planned pregnancy. hubby was happy too but then a few days later i had a mild stomach cramp and suddenly my period came out. i had a heavy flow. it was the saddest moment. maybe Allah has other plan for me...

take care and rest well.

tori said...

salaam ibu,

i always start the day with reading your blog, kalau tak baca tak senang duduk...but today when i read it.. i cried...


plse have patience n remember ALLAH is always with u...u have a good life with great ppl around u (ur loving ayah and gorgeous sons)sabar k ibu... i on the other hand dah 30+ and still single, i pray that one day my life will b as blessed as yours (surrounded by loving family)

it will take some time to bounce back dear ibu, but insya'allah u'll be fine...

Helena said...

Sorry to hear the sad news... harap ibu dapat menghadapi dugaan ini dgn tabah....

InsyaAllah, ada rezeki in future utk Ibu dan family.

Take care Ibu.

Dad of 4+1 said...

Dear Ibu,

I know exactly how you feel...Reading this entry reminded me of August 2006 when Dr A told us the same thing....

Up till the last two check ups for my youngest, I didn't accompany wifey to see Dr A as I couldn't stand the sight of his consultation suite.

The Benevolent & Merciful has greater plans for the both of you, Insya Allah. Wallahua'lam....


Raden Galoh said...

Dear Ibu, it's so sad to hear the heart really sank but I believe ada hikmah di sebalik dugaan ini kan?

please be strong andd on't give up...

Perencanaan Ilahi tidak mungkin kita dapat mneyelami...

take care sis. *huggsss*

IBU said...

Dear all,

Thank you for all your kind thoughts and prayers.

My apology for not being able to reply to individual comments. I tried - but my keyboard got flooded with tears, so had to dismiss the mission.

Thanks again, from the bottom of my heart.

nadzri said...

You are ibu kandung or ibu angkat?